Season 2, Episode 1: Twins

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Written by Carol Leifer, Directed by John Fortenberry

Guest starring Suzanne Lanza as Danna, Jason Sklar and Randy Sklar as Jason and Justin

Also starring Michael Chieffo as Martin, Harley Zumbrum as cop

Co-starring Michael Haywood Norris as lieutenant, Mary Perez as DMV woman, Brent Sexton as waiter, Carol Leifer as Connie, Jeffery Miller as the man.

Special appearance by Joel Grey as himself.


"People don't even want mystery in their lives. No, they wanna know what sex their baby is before it's born. They want to sample the frozen yogurt before they order it. They want psychics, five-day forecasts, exit polls, caller ID, ETAs, ETDs, X-Rays, pre-nuptial agreements.... Although pre-nuptial agreements... I can get behind those." -Shrug

"It's like they're saying, y'know, 'Hey, we may not put black people on our shows, or Asians or Latinos, but we've got siamese twins!'" -Arthur

"Hey, buddy, you're like fifty years old. You can turn your baseball cap around." -Jennifer

"So. Six month marriage. Any kids?" -Robbie
"I was a trophy wife." -Danna
"You never told me you were interested in being a trophy wife." -Robbie

"Aaron Spelling only sees nymphettes, or girls whose last name is Spelling." -Jennifer

"Man, she is one amazing talent right there. I mean, from her shockingly refined debut in vastly underrated 'Cotton Club' to her engrossing portrayal of Frances 'Baby' Houseman in the delightful 'Dirty Dancing,' I'm tellin' ya, they don't come any better than Jennifer Grey." -cop

"And how about dessert, folks? Tonight we have some mocha mousse..." -waiter
"Trumped up chocoalte pudding." -Justin
"..some Italian biscotti..." -waiter
"Stale cookies." -Justin
"...or lemon sorbet." -waiter
"Hey, when did ices become sorbet?" -Justin

"'Dirty hands' is my middle name." -Shrug
"Really?" -cop
"No, it's Lloyd." -Shrug

"I have friends of all different kinds of races and creeds." -Arthur
"Are siamese twins considered a creed?" -Lauren
"I think they're a creed. I hope they're a creed." -Arthur

"Y'know, it's not just tripe, it is exploitive tripe, pandering to the morbid curiosity of the voyeuristic masses. Y'know, what do you expect from the mindless drooling electronic vomitorium that is television?" -Arthur

"You are not giving me the old 'It's not you, it's me' routine." -Jason
"No. No, no, no, I'm giving you the brand new, 'It's not you, it's him' routine." -Lauren

"If you're not real siamese twins, what's the point? Then it's just sex with two guys." -Danna

"So what you're saying is, I'm a twenty-six year old girl who has decided to lie about her age so that I can be ten years older and to tell people that I've had a nose job, all so that I can assume the identity of a somewhat famous actress who goes to therapy three times a week, hasn't had a successful relationship in two years, and is too afraid to fly unless it's first class. Is that the best life you think I could find?" -Jennifer
"No one said it was a happy story?" -Shrug

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