"How dumb was he?" -Robbie
"Unbelievable. Y'know, I once had him convinced that Mt. Rushmore was a natural rock formation." -Arthur

"I'm telling you, Robbie, to be honest. I've never had sex. I've only made love." -Arthur
"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard." -Robbie

"I'm glad you said that. I thought I was being paranoid." -Robbie "Well, paranoid is good. At least you think people are paying attention to you." -Arthur

"I, on the other hand, am not drop-dead handsome. I am drop-dead pleasant." -Arthur

"What crime gets you one night in jail in L.A.?" -Shrug
"Reading a book." -Arthur

"Hey, quick question. What exactly is a nervous breakdown? I mean, is it the kind of thing where you shake and fall over, or is it more like a disease?" -Lauren
"It's not really a idesease, it's more like an option." -Jennifer

"Oh, you would not believe how hard I've tried. I concentrate to a degree usually reserved for splitting atoms. I'm there exploring, tabulating, running tests, checking flow charts, taking samples, doing market research.... You'd think I earned my orgasm on a commission basis." -Arthur

"So, Hilo, what's it like in here?" -Shrug
"It's like, you know... death." -Hilo

"I mean, don't get me wrong, there are tons of gorgeous women in New York, but when you look at them they seem so sharp and sophisticated. You just want them to like you, in even the smallest way. They're like the kind of women who can hang up on you in person. I mean, I'd see them walking down Columbus Avenue, with the ponytail coming out of the back of the baseball cap, and talking in that kind of Radcliffe Reggae, and thinking to myself, I'd just be thrilled to even have a platonic relationship with you. With a little sex thrown in." -Arthur

"Did she wear a big cross around her neck?" -Arthur
"Yeah, why?" -Robbie
"Oh, kind of a turn on." -Arthur
"Really?" -Robbie
"For a Jew? Absolutely." -Arthur

"Not only is she nuts, but how about the cleavage situation?" -Jennifer
"I know. She should really have a dimmer switch on those things." -Lauren
"We should only see that much when someone's breast-feeding in public." -Jennifer

"The interesting thing is, while I find so many beautiful women unattainable, a great deal of unattractive women find me very attainable." -Arthur
"Really?" -Robbie
"Yeah. I'm like the dream guy for homely women." -Arthur

"I don't think I have the ego to get married now. Don't you think it takes tremendous arrogance to ask someone to spend the rest of their life with YOU?" -Arthur

"I want to go to Paris." -Lauren
"I don't think you'll like it. You can't get a cup of coffee to go there." -Jennifer
"What do you mean? You have to sit there and drink it?" -Lauren
"Yeah." -Jennifer
"Screw that." -Lauren

"Married women love me. Apparently, I'm not so great as a choice, but I am fabulous as an option." -Arthur

"It's always so disillusioning to hear of adultery happening outside of New York or L.A." -Robbie

Written by Peter Mehlman, Directed by John Fortenberry

Guest starring Grant Heslov as Hilo Beckworthy. Co-starring Zack Phifer as Phil the Critic, Herschel Sparber as Convict #1, Dayton Collie as Convict #2, Peggy Doyle as Rose, Suzanne McKinney as Waitress, Gary Simpson as Prison Guard.