Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot

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"It's guys like him that make America great." -Shrug
"Yes, he makes America great." -Robbie
"Not us." -Shrug
"No, we don't make America great. We make America pleasant." -Robbie
"Yes. And we get no credit for it." -Shrug

"Pal, you're blocking my vision." -Man on Plane
"Oh, excuse me, I didn't realize you were having a vision." -Arthur
"I guess you're from New York." -Lauren

"My philosophy is, don't have a philosophy." -Lauren
"Well, you're young." -Arthur
"Yeah." -Lauren

"Why aren't you married?" -Lauren
"Oh, that's a tough one, I don't know. Bad luck, bad timing, bad taste, taking the wrong subway on the wrong day, irreconcilable differences, thyroid problems, irreconcilable similarities, parents, parents... parents, jealousy, resentment, shyness, lesbians... oh, who the hell knows." -Arthur

"Shrug's family has one of the largest private collections of money in the world." -Robbie

"What was he driving?" -Shrug
"A Honda." -Robbie
"A Honda?" -Jennifer
"A Honda." -Robbie
"Maybe it was a rental." -Shrug
"I think it was his Honda." -Robbie
"Why would he drive a Honda?" -Shrug
"Maybe he does voice-overs for Honda." -Jennifer
"Maybe he owns a Honda dealership." -Robbie
"Maybe it was his wife's Honda." -Shrug
"Maybe he doesn't know it's a Honda." -Jennifer
"Maybe it was an Acura Honda." -Shrug
"No, it was a Honda." -Robbie

"You're gonna be like everyone else, talkin' about how you hate L.A., like it's a prison camp with five area codes. How the people are so dumb, so plastic, so silicone. How nothing's open late, you have to drive to take a walk, the houses are ugly, the clothes are loud, the bagels are doughy, the pizza sucks, the murder trials last two years, the marriages last two months. Then you throw in earthquakes, aftershocks, mudslides, road rage, race riots, guns, tasers, pepper spray.... Just as your head's about to explode, boom. One warm afternoon you play softball and you think to yourself, 'My God, it's January.' Next day, you wake up, it's two years later, you've sold out every belief you ever held sacred. And you don't care, 'cause you're living way-too-happily-ever-after in a beach house waiting for your Guatemalan gardner like very other brain-dead southern Californian." -Robbie
"Ew, what is on this pastrami?" -Robbie
"Raisins." -Shrug
"Oh yeah, I left that out." -Robbie

"To me, the most exciting part of sex is getting the bra off. After that it's just work." -Arthur

"Listen. I first came here for five days to write an article about Los Angeles for the Atlantic Monthly." -Lou
"Oh, you know the managing editor there?" -Arthur
"No, I don't! That was twenty-eight years, four wives, two Bette Fords, and twelve extra-marital affairs ago." -Lou


Written by Peter Mehlman, Directed by Andy Ackerman

Special Appearance by Elliott Gould as himself. Guest starring John Kapelos as Mr. Gibson, Nick Bakay, as Harvey, Carolyn Hennesy as Cathy, Suzanne Lanza as Danna, Cristine Rose as Zoe, Marty Brinton as Man on Plane, Ellen Gerstein as Daughter. Co-starring Scott Reiff as The Skylord.

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